Friday, March 25, 2011

3 Years.....

.....Has it really been that long?  Three years since I held Kate for the last time, kissed those chubby little cheeks and said our goodbyes.  It's been 3 years too long.  I've replayed, in my mind, that day over and over again.....all those emotions I felt: sadness, anger, hopelessness, fear, comfort, gratitude, hope and ultimately LOVE.....a love that makes your heart ache.  I thought I experienced the greatest love when I brought Kate into this world and couldn't imagine feeling any greater love until we had to let her go.....unconditional love beyond belief.

Kate was so sick.  She struggled.  She hurt. She endured many physical challenges in her short little life.  But she was perfect to me.  I wanted her here even with all of these challenges.  I wanted to raise her.  I wanted to spend hour after hour doing nothing but holding and cuddling her, singing and reading and soaking up all the love she filled my life with.  I loved my life even with all the stresses of caring for a very sick child.  All I wanted was for her to be here and life was good......very hard....but good.  Was that selfish of me to want that?  Probably, but I didn't care.  The grieving process is an interesting journey.  It's a day-by-day, minute-by-minute thing.  I have learned so much over the last almost 5 years.  My perspective has changed immensely.  I think about the worries and cares I had before having Kate and it actually makes me giggle a little bit.  Oh how it would be to only have those worries again. 

I have realized on a whole different level the love that I have for my family.  They are what matter most to me.  I want to be with them forever.  This whole experience of losing a child has changed my initial perspective of what life is all about.  I want to be a better person.  I think back on this day the past 2 years and I didn't know what to expect, how I would feel or how I would spend the day.  It made me so anxious just to think about it.  I wanted to just bypass this day and not have to face those unknown emotions.  Looking back, those anniversary dates were hard.  I cried.  I felt sad.  I wanted to stay in bed all day long and not have to face the day.  The bottom line is I just plain felt sorry for myself.  But I missed Kate.  I didn't know how to turn that sadness into something good and positive.  So this year, on this day, I wanted it to be different.  I wanted to reflect on Kate's life and have this day be about her and not about poor me.  I didn't want to spend the day crying and throwing myself a pity party. I've always felt good when I've involved myself in serving others and so I decided that I wanted to focus on someone else and do something of worth for them.

Today I had the opportunity to meet a medically challenged lady who needed assistance in going to a doctor appointment.  Because of a previous brain injury, she has been unable to drive.  The clinic is about 45 minutes from where she lives and so I had some time to visit with her and get to know her a little bit.  She has not had the easiest life and has been faced with many different challenges.  I listened as she expressed her anguish over an experience she had with her daughter that ultimately estranged them. Although our situations are completely different, we both share the heartache of losing a child.

Today was a happy day filled with many wonderful memories of our precious Angel Kate. I'm grateful for the experience and the opportunity I had to meet this sweet woman.  So, the lesson I learned today is.....when you're feeling sorry for yourself, do something good for somebody else. It can greatly enrich your life.

10 comments:

katie said...

What an amazing post! Thank you for being you, and sharing yourself with others. Everyone who knows you and is influenced by your life and Kate's life is blessed. It is hard to believe that it has already been 3 years. I love how you described caring for her. Even though it was hard, you loved it. She is watching over you for sure, and is so proud of a Mommy who would continue to serve. I love you Marcae! I love you Kate!

Lacey said...

There you go again...Inspiring me to be a better person. Sure do love ya!

Jen said...

Marcae, you truly are such a wonderful person. I just cry when I read your posts like this, but they also inspire me so much. You are so strong and Kate is a lucky little girl to have a mommy like you. Thank goodness for the Gospel, you will be with your little one again someday. Love you guys...

Kaydee said...

Hey I am so excited to see you soon. You really are amazing.

Brynnly and Alan said...

Your post made me cry. You are so amazing! Thank you for reminding us to step outside ourselves once in a while. It sure can make a difference!

Nicole said...

I never quite know what to say for hard days like these, other than I am thinking of you and am always inspired by your words.
Congratulations on baby boy. Super exciting! We have lots of boys around here and even though you can't put big bows in their hair, they are wonderful!!!

Melissa said...

Thanks for the lovely post. I hope you know how much others think about you and pray for you!

The Higgs' said...

Marcae you are truly amazeing. Your family is so blessed to have you as their wife/mother. I am impressed that you turn your heartache into the desire to help others. Serving is definatley good therapy. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is very inspiring.

Chrispy Critter said...

You always amaze me! Congrats on the baby!!!

Emily@Little Forever Family said...

Sorry for playing catch up here. I lost your blog for awhile. What a party for your Grandma. I know she is smiling down on her legacy.

I still remember when Kate passed away. I remember (was it Dr. Wilcox?) coming in and saying what a hard weekend it was, because of Kate's passing. And I remember Mia being born. She honestly was one of the most beautiful babies I have ever cared for, and I just remember thinking that this little girl is amazingly special. And how exciting for a boy. I am ready for a girl with our next one (not anytime soon) but I miss my sweet princess and can not wait to raise her sister someday.Anyways, love reading your posts. Love the spirit I feel reading about your princess.