3 Years.....

.....Has it really been that long?  Three years since I held Kate for the last time, kissed those chubby little cheeks and said our goodbyes.  It's been 3 years too long.  I've replayed, in my mind, that day over and over again.....all those emotions I felt: sadness, anger, hopelessness, fear, comfort, gratitude, hope and ultimately LOVE.....a love that makes your heart ache.  I thought I experienced the greatest love when I brought Kate into this world and couldn't imagine feeling any greater love until we had to let her go.....unconditional love beyond belief.

Kate was so sick.  She struggled.  She hurt. She endured many physical challenges in her short little life.  But she was perfect to me.  I wanted her here even with all of these challenges.  I wanted to raise her.  I wanted to spend hour after hour doing nothing but holding and cuddling her, singing and reading and soaking up all the love she filled my life with.  I loved my life even with all the stresses of caring for a very sick child.  All I wanted was for her to be here and life was good......very hard....but good.  Was that selfish of me to want that?  Probably, but I didn't care.  The grieving process is an interesting journey.  It's a day-by-day, minute-by-minute thing.  I have learned so much over the last almost 5 years.  My perspective has changed immensely.  I think about the worries and cares I had before having Kate and it actually makes me giggle a little bit.  Oh how it would be to only have those worries again. 

I have realized on a whole different level the love that I have for my family.  They are what matter most to me.  I want to be with them forever.  This whole experience of losing a child has changed my initial perspective of what life is all about.  I want to be a better person.  I think back on this day the past 2 years and I didn't know what to expect, how I would feel or how I would spend the day.  It made me so anxious just to think about it.  I wanted to just bypass this day and not have to face those unknown emotions.  Looking back, those anniversary dates were hard.  I cried.  I felt sad.  I wanted to stay in bed all day long and not have to face the day.  The bottom line is I just plain felt sorry for myself.  But I missed Kate.  I didn't know how to turn that sadness into something good and positive.  So this year, on this day, I wanted it to be different.  I wanted to reflect on Kate's life and have this day be about her and not about poor me.  I didn't want to spend the day crying and throwing myself a pity party. I've always felt good when I've involved myself in serving others and so I decided that I wanted to focus on someone else and do something of worth for them.

Today I had the opportunity to meet a medically challenged lady who needed assistance in going to a doctor appointment.  Because of a previous brain injury, she has been unable to drive.  The clinic is about 45 minutes from where she lives and so I had some time to visit with her and get to know her a little bit.  She has not had the easiest life and has been faced with many different challenges.  I listened as she expressed her anguish over an experience she had with her daughter that ultimately estranged them. Although our situations are completely different, we both share the heartache of losing a child.

Today was a happy day filled with many wonderful memories of our precious Angel Kate. I'm grateful for the experience and the opportunity I had to meet this sweet woman.  So, the lesson I learned today is.....when you're feeling sorry for yourself, do something good for somebody else. It can greatly enrich your life.